


How To Talk To Your Cat About Abstinence

by orphan_account



Series: What We Do In The Semidarkness [3]
Category: American Horror Story: Apocalypse
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Dating, F/M, Familiar Mallory, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Spying, Use of a bedazzler, Vampire Michael, What We Do In The Shadows AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-07 03:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20302909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Mallory goes on a date.





	How To Talk To Your Cat About Abstinence

**Author's Note:**

> The plot and characters of American Horror Story: Apocalypse belong to Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk. 
> 
> All mistakes are my own.

Mallory thinks the date is going really well.

The guy Zoe set her up with, Chad, seems genuinely interested in her.

He maintained eye contact during conversation, he didn’t mansplain the difference between the farm-to-table and sustainable food movements, and his eyes had lit up when she mentioned specializing in the rehabilitation of feral cats. It wasn’t her fault that he’d assumed that meant she was a volunteer with the humane society.

Mallory looks around, taking in the ambiance of the foodie restaurant he’d taken her to. 

The art deco dining room is outfitted with eye-catching chandeliers. Couples converse lowly over nine course meals, each plate more extravagant than the last. At a table partially hidden by a potted plant, a tall man in a beige overcoat and a deerstalker hat is—reading a copy of Goop Magazine?

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“Michael?” she calls. The hands bracketing Gwyneth Paltrow’s mud-smeared tits clench guiltily. Mallory’s impressed that he thought to bring a prop.

This is a new low. She’s been trying to practice campsite ecology with Michael; leave the vampire less broken than you found it. But she still hasn’t managed to socialize him.

“I see you, stop pretending you’re invisible. I’m not a T-rex.”

Beige clad shoulders heave with a sigh before Michael gives it up. He glides over to her as if he’s on a runway and not impersonating Elmer Fudd.

“You needn’t thank me for escorting you on your date, Mallory. I’m merely assuring the safety of my property. Madison’s told me all about the perverts that prey on dull and unsuspecting women such as yourself,” he says.

Mallory stares at him judgementally. “Really? That’s what you’re gonna go with?”

Michael blinks. “I don't know what you mean. That is precisely the reason I’m here. An owner overseeing his chattel. Nothing more.”

“Where to start with that sentence." Rubbing the tension in her forehead, Mallory sighs, “look, this is inappropriate behaviour. Chad’s done nothing to indicate that he has bad intentions. Thank you for your concern, but it’s misplaced. You need to leave now.”

“And abandon you to this bedswerver’s clutches? _Chad_. The name of a whoremonger no doubt. Your investment in this tryst smacks of desperation,” Michael sneers.

His pinched lips uncurl into a vicious smile at the sight of her flush. “If you’re so desperate for a bed partner Mouse, I’m certain Coco’s familiar Spalding could be persuaded to engage in relations with you.”

“Fuck you,” Mallory spits. “You of all creatures have no right to judge my dating life. Did you not fuck a voodoo priestess and then her son two nights later?”

Caught out, Michael breaks his stare. “That’s neither here nor there. The wounds I suffered healed in a matter of weeks. I regained complete use of my—”

“Hey, is this guy bothering you, Mallory?”

“CHAD!” she yells. “I missed you so much! You should come sit. Here. Now.”

Chad looks bewildered by her enthusiasm and Michael’s everything, but dutifully takes his chair. Michael looks like he’s stepped in dog shit.

Good.

“Go home, Michael,” she says with the last of her patience. "I’ll be back later, and you can tell me all about your Sherlock cosplay then.”

Stymied by her pop-culture reference, Michael narrows his eyes at Chad and then slinks his way out of the restaurant.

\--

Chad’s surprised to hear about her involvement with the Bigs helping Bigs mentorship program. He commends her for her dedication to the community. 

His gullibility proves to be a deal-breaker for Mallory. The man’s practically a mushroom with all of the bullshit she’s feeding him.

They part at the end of the evening on good terms, but with the understanding that they won’t be repeating the experience.

Michael doesn’t notice that she’s bedazzled all of his capes with ‘limp dick bitch,’ for three weeks.


End file.
